Veer and Shanaya have been married for 5 years. It was an arranged marriage where both of them got an opportunity to start from a clean slate. Both of them clearly stated their non negotiables to each other before agreeing to get married. Both had opposite personalities, however, they wanted the same thing from a marriage.
Veer is an extroverted and adventurous individual, can talk to anyone and make friends easily. Veer is considered to be a great friend by whoever meets him. On the other hand, Shanaya is an introverted and nerdy individual. She has a very close group of people who mean the world to her. Shanaya is considered to be a loyal and caring individual by whoever knows her. Professionally, Veer is content with what he has whereas Shanaya is doing well for herself. She is driven and is considered to be amongst the best in her fraternity. The relationship of Shanaya and Veer doesn’t fit in the typical mold of a traditional husband and wife relationship. They both are friends to each other and others often think of them as a perfect couple. Both of them respect each other’s approach to relationships. Veer prefers to have a relationship that is marked by excessive space and lack of emotional dependence. He does not like to vulnerable. Shanaya prefers to have a relationship that is marked by mutual respect and space. She is okay to show her vulnerability and be emotionally dependent without being clingy. But like they say, one truly knows the strength of a relationship when fights and disagreements happen. And when this happens, the so-called perfect couple stumbles.
Whenever a fight or a disagreement happens between Shanaya and Veer, they are unable to dive deeper into the root cause and solve the problem. While Shanaya likes to talk things out, understand the underlying cause that led to a fight, arrive at a solution and move on, Veer does not like to talk things through. Veer’s response to every fight is one dimensional – which is to break free, call it quits, and end the relationship. Veer doesn’t like to explain himself and does not want to attend to the emotional needs of Shanaya. He feels that talking about emotions and being emotionally dependent on people is a sign of weakness and gullibility. Veer feels that he is better off without people as the burden of responsibilities adds more misery to his life. On the contrary, Shanaya thinks that it’s the healthy and close relationships and people who add meaning to life. It is okay to talk about emotions as it is a sign of strength. She strongly believes that every problem has a solution and approaches issues and downfalls in her life with a solution centric approach. Shanaya doesn’t like to quit or end the relationship. The only saving grace when Shanaya and Veer have a fight is Shanaya’s introverted nature. When Veer says all that he has to say, Shanaya listens patiently and doesn’t react and eventually Veer comes around. And they continue to live happily , until the next fight or disagreement happens.
But Shanaya being Shanaya continues to be on her quest to investigate why this happens. What is causing this? She hypotheses that the way Veer approaches relationships is linked to his childhood. Veer’s family members rarely discussed issues with each other. The heart to heart conversations never happened. There were a few occasions where he was thrown out of the house as punishment. Most of the elders in Veer’s family were in the habit of yelling at each other and demeaning each other. Together, there was a tendency to place too much emphasis on the negative attributes of each other rather than the positives. Whenever Veer’s family had traumatic experiences such as a loss of loved ones, the elders in the house never confronted Veer about his emotions. This even continued when Veer lost his mother and he left the city. Throughout his life, Veer rarely discussed his feelings and tried to arrive at solutions. Veer’s best way to Deal with a problem was to escape and quit, which he did all his life. None of the elders in his family bothered (this Shanaya concluded after she interacted with many people in Veer’s family- Similar reactions there is no point talking about things. As people grow old, they come around, they learn) to which Shanaya wanted to scream and say NO NO NO. That’s not how it is. What you all did in his childhood and adolescence has impacted his adulthood relationships.
This story can be interpreted in many ways. But, through this story I would like to discuss how childhood attachment impacts adulthood. To know more, tune in to this episode of Beyond Biases (https://beyondbiases.in/) on Tuesday, April 26th at 8.30 PM.
