“I am the Only Child of my parents. Oh! You are an Only Child….Hmm.. Interesting! So, you must be spoiled by your parents and a brat huh! Don’t you feel lonely? I have heard only children do not like to share; is that true? Do you wish you had an elder or a younger sibling?……”
If you are the only child to your parents, you will understand what I am trying to convey. These are few of the standard statements or questions you might have faced in your lifetime; and by now you must have perfected the art of responding to these. I guess, I have.
Throughout my life, others demonstrated surprise over my parents choice of just having me in their life. They were pressurized to have a second one, but, they never budged from their stance. People presented several logical and illogical arguments on the drawbacks of having an only child. Frankly, it neither bothered my parents nor me. We were and are very happy in our own world. However, it does concern me that myths around ‘only children’ don’t die at all.
G. Stanley Hall, the first president of the American Psychological Association, in one of his lectures, declared “Being an only child is a disease in itself.” Over the years, several researchers (especially Sulloway F.J.) produced evidence that only children tended to be as normal as kids with siblings, almost no one seems to listen. The “strong opinions of the selfish only child and the selfish parent of one have persisted into the twenty-first century”. I am sharing top 3 opinions that I have been subjected to and my thoughts on those.
Opinion#1: Only children are spoiled.
My Thoughts: How can we say that ‘being spoiled’ is a characteristic solely associated with single children? Are we saying that children with siblings are not spoiled? I admit that there is a considerable amount of research done on birth order and personality which suggests that children with siblings are more responsible than only children. But is it fair to generalize these findings and label every only child as ‘spoiled’ and ‘irresponsible’?
Few studies have found that only children are not particularly spoiled and found no difference in only children’s relationships with friends & significant others when studied with children who had siblings.
Opinion#2: Only children are selfish.
My Thoughts: Is it fair to conclude that only ‘ Only children are selfish’ ? Are we saying that individuals with siblings are not selfish? With this logic, every shrewd professional should be an only child! Is it the case? Whether or not an individual grows up to be selfish depends a lot on his/her upbringing and environment. For example, I personally know a lot of only children (including me) whose parents cultivated the tools of sharing and feeling for others and motivated them to share their ‘prized’ possessions with their friends and extended family. Parents who taught their only child to empathize, care and love others unconditionally. The key question I have here is : Aren’t we all selfish? How about families with several children having disputes over property? What about parents of two or more children who are living in old age homes? Then why solely penalize only children with this judgment?
Opinion#3: Only children are dependent.
My Thoughts: Really! If anything, because of adult guidance and lack of siblings to lean on (especially when both the parents are working professionals), only children become self-reliant and independent. Moreover, a recent study has indicated that only children perform better in school, have higher IQ’s, and are more likely seen as high-achieving. Please don’t get me wrong, I don’t mean to say that children with siblings don’t do well. All I am saying is that whether a child turns dependent or independent is a function of a combination of factors such as environment, exposure, experiences, personality, temperament etc. Birth order may play a small role in it.
I am sure there are a lot of unpleasant myths associated with children with siblings. Hence, through this write-up, I am not defending the psychology of only children. I am not putting only children on a pedestal. I am only trying to give a different perspective (using ‘only children’ as a case in point) so that people ask critical questions prior to passing judgments on either only children or children with siblings. Being an only child is not a disease in itself. There are strengths and drawbacks linked with each birth order and as a society we should try not to idealize either small families or large families. It should be left to the discretion of the individuals without passing judgments. Let’s embrace everyone’s personal choices.
References:
- Kohli, Vandana, and Russell Travis. “The birth order factor: ordinal position, social strata, and educational achievement.” The Journal of Social Psychology 135.4 (1995): 499+. Academic OneFile. Web. 25 Sept. 2015.
- Jefferson, T., Herbst, J. H., & McCrae, R. R. (1998). Associations between birth order and personality traits: Evidence from self-reports and observer ratings. Journal of Research in Personality, 32(4), 498-509.
- Adler, A. Birth Order And Personality.
- Michalski, R. L., & Shackelford, T. K. (2002). An attempted replication of the relationships between birth order and personality. Journal of Research in Personality, 36(2), 182-188.
- Sulloway, F. J. (1996). Born to rebel: Birth order, family dynamics, and creative lives. Pantheon Books.
- http://www.nber.org/papers/w19542.pdf
- http://www.businessinsider.in/Heres-Why-Only-Children-Are-More-Successful/articleshow/25333646.cms